Published August 4, 2016 by

Many lovely things happened today, as every day.

But today something stood out. Oh, well a few things.

I ventured out today to grab some sparkling water at the local gas station. I needed a break from writing and I like to sip this treat while relaxing in the woods.

As I was standing in line, a young man of about 17 got in line behind me.  I had seen him as I walked in and he was wearing a hoodie with a baseball hat and he had a number of tattoos and piercings.

I was being silly as usual, tapping my debit card on the counter in time to whatever song I was singing under my breath as we waited in line. This caused it to fly out of my hand where it landed right at my feet. And then, in strange, synchronistic slow motion, it skidded away until it stopped perfectly in front of the young man’s boot.

He instantly bent to pick it up and as he rose to hand it to me, we had a moment.

He had the most pure and genuinely beautiful smile as he gave it back to me. I offered mine in return. And there was just something about this interaction that felt really, really nice. We both left glowing just a little bit.

I have learned that people can love doing things for me. Little things, big things.

There are real cowboys out here who enjoy sweeping doors open for me, helping me with my groceries and other such chivalrous things.

I love it.

My heart told me to come out here.

As I sat this evening in a field twinkling with the golden rays of the setting sun through the trees and the high prairie grass blowing in the wind, I feel as though I have entered some strange portal, that I am living in a new reality.

I have been living in a new reality teeming with angels and heavenly beauty since I first moved out here, alone, almost a year ago.

I gazed out at the mountains in the near distance. An eagle soared overhead in slow circles. The clouds out here are magic, with prismatic partial rainbows, the likes of which I never would even have known existed.

What if, I wonder, I actually did die out near the frozen lake this winter where I spent so many hours alone, testing my new limits, feeling my upgraded heart swell with joy amid the contractions of residual pain?

Maybe I am now a romantic old ghost wandering, caught between heaven and earth..

 

 

Life

Published July 23, 2016 by

QC

The amount I was once willing to pay to rid myself of my mother was my own life.

The least I can do at this point is a week with the person I’ve determined to be the best therapist for my particular brand of possession.

That is how it feels. Like a splinter of my mother’s evil is inside of me and not only does it cause chaos in my life but it tries to prevent me from getting help.

I’m afraid to see this therapist, I think. No, I correct myself, my mother is afraid for me to see the therapist.

She hated me for needing help as a child.

You can see this all over my life now at just a glance.

I’ve grown into an adult who once, when taken off guard, yelled “don’t touch me!”, startling the kind clerk at the self check out when she tried to assist me with my groceries.

I’m not afraid to see the therapist.

But I am afraid of being found not worthy of his help in some way.

I am afraid of the feelings that arise when I feel disappointed that he has some important issue in his life preventing him from giving me, a stranger, what I want.

And I am afraid of entering into a relationship that will begin the moment our voices connect digitally.

Relationships of any intensity have hurt me way too much.

I prefer my trees, thanks.

I’ve found some solace in meeting the person out here that I thought I always wanted to meet.

I was surprised to find that I feel less empty inside. Or maybe now I am more numb to the emptiness.

Inspired by S, I am googling Stoic Philosophy.

Lately, I have been longing for the ocean.

 

Life therapy

Published July 10, 2016 by

“Oh don’t worry, he’s friendly!”

Well then… why is he looking at my leg like it’s a drumstick?

Ran into people on the descent last night. Didn’t realize till I got home that I had mascara rings around my eyes. And it strikes me as funny that I would wear mascara for a solo hike but I suppose if anyone would do that, it would be me.

I usually find something to cry about once I reach a mountaintop.

Yesterday, it was that a calm loving presence came over me and I heard the words

Your heart got you here.

 

Inspiration Life

Published June 24, 2016 by

One must be numb to survive the city.

The noise, the crowds, the billboards the constant sensory over-stimulation.

But people are mammals. And cities are a thing that people make, like beavers make dams. Cities are an organic thing in their own right. I tried to sense into the city the way I do in the woods and without judgement.

It had a different flavor when I did that. But it was still too much. I swear I can feel the wifi and cell signals slicing though me all over like laser beams.

I played with that.

What if that is not a bad thing? Really, how does it feel, this thing that people have made that has enhanced our lives? What kind of experience is that?

Returning home rituals:

remove pants

open all windows

burn incense

stretch

feel grateful

Instead of magpies like the city, I have trembling aspens outside one of my windows. They fill the house with the sound of waves day and night as the wind sighs through them. The air circulating in here is the kind that people are now willing to pay for. I live in it. My luxuries are infinite. How has such grace entered my life?

Quietly, I would say.

 


Inspiration Life

Published November 26, 2015 by

Welcome to planet earth! We are VERY efficient here :)

Life Video

Published August 12, 2015 by

“The mystery of human existence lies not in just staying alive, but in finding something to live for.”

― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Inspiration Life