Today an old song I learned as a kid in public school came back to me. I have been obsessed with being impure on the inside and being haunted by all the terrifying sorts of ways that that might manifest as.
I have spent YEARS eating only organic food, fasting, detoxing, supplementing, cleansing in all ungodly manners only to have the feelings intensify. It was recently revealed to me by my therapist than I had been afflicted with toxic shame. The shame that my mother projected onto me. This is one of the mental perversions it will take shape as.
I spent a few years of my youth not talking, after having been thoughtful and articulate and bright. I felt like my mouth was under some kind of magic that made me refuse to respond to anyone reaching out to me in kindness.
Toxic shame can do that. No one batted an eyelash.
The shame I felt over my existence and my mother’s behavior was like some kind of curse. Now, here I am, twenty some years later and I find out that it hasn’t gone away.
I could feel the song rise up in me… I tried to hold it back but I could hear the kids voices sing-songing along. I let it come like many of the memories that sometimes come to me to be healed.
Nobody likes me
Everybody hates me
Think I’ll eat some worms!
The song then goes on to describe them, how gross it was etc etc etc.
We were taught this is grade school, an entire chorus of innocent children being indoctrinated with foul images, ideas and words. I can think of other songs with cute catchy tunes we were taught in school that I look back now with bewilderment upon. Mantras of violence and self hate. Child abuse because this affects the brain.
I was overcome with emotion over this memory and the feelings. I pulled myself together afterwards, did my boundary excercises and put this on. This is what children’s music should sound like. And I am so sorry for myself and any other children who trusted that what adults fed our growing brains and psyches would be only beneficial.