Thing number one that I learned yesterday.
Well, I have learned this. Many times over. But it’s the first time that a professional, a therapist, has said this to me.
It starts to make things clear. Especially when it comes to dealing with people from your past, which is something that I often discuss in sessions. I try to get perspective.
Can I allow this person back in my life?
Have I changed? Have they?
Discussing where things went wrong between two people is not living in the past, it is an attempt to prevent repeating the past. When you say to someone from your past that sure we can reconnect but things have to be different and here’s some ways how that can look and they treat you like a completely irrational raving lunatic, there’s only two choices for you:
compromise your boundaries and betray yourself
accept that they are not willing to change the nature of your relationship
(which was likely hurtful and dysfunctional) and let them be.
This is why it is important in the future to start relationships the way you want them to continue. To let people know from the beginning what you will and will not do.
People looking for a doormat, or an ATM, or a free therapist, or a scapegoat will get from the start that that is not you.